In this manual:
INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. To start, set your nigger's jumpers to the slave position. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately on unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Gary Niger, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, Sheneequa or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
CONFIGURE YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
HOUSING YOUR NIGGER
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers (equivalent to 120 white people). You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR NIGGER
Your nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. It also throughly enjoy drinking malt liquor from forty ounced bottles wrapped in brown paper bags, or what is more commonly known as a "fo'ty ounce". You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it porridge with salt, acorns and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, dead babies, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result.
You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely.
Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include:
- A GOOD THRASHING: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing.
- LYNCH THE NIGGER: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger. Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one).
- NIGGER DRAGGING: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit.
- PLAYING ON THE PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood.
- HUNT THE NIGGER: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans.
WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.
- A SHOW: Have a party for your nigger with Kramer as the entertainment.
LIST OF YOUR NIGGER'S RIGHTS
DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS
Do not return your dead nigger to our nigger distribution facility. Is there are sign outside that says dead nigger storage? No, there isn't, and that is because storing dead niggers ain't our fucking business. We distribute live niggers only.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.
COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS
Notice: The following problems are very common. If you have multiple of these defects with your Nigger, do not feel like you were ripped off. Niggers are often very defective, it is their defining trait. Returning your Nigger for a new one would not show any better results.
- MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
- Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?
- MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
- WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
- MY NIGGER KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
- Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
- MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
- A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shit-skin".
- MY NIGGER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
- What you have there is a "wigger".
- WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
- They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it.
- MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD.
- And you were expecting what?
- MY NIGGER WON'T STOP TALKING OUT LOUD IN MOVIE THEATERS AND LIBRARIES.
- Don't let your nigger own a cell phone. If the problem persists, apply duct tape to their clown-lips.
- MY NIGGER DISPLAYS A MASSIVE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.
- This is normal.
- SHOULD I ALLOW MY NIGGER TO FORNICATE WITH OTHER NIGGERS?
- Where are we, Wonderland? You'll have a lot of trouble getting it to fornicate with *other* niggers.
- WHERE CAN I BUY MYSELF A BETTER QUALITY OF NIGGER?
- I don't really understand the question("better quality of nigger"...?WTF?)
- MY NIGGER STOLE MY BIKE, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- You should immediately put on a pink jump suit and chase it.
- MY NIGGER'S LIFE GOT FLIPPED, TURNED UPSIDE DOWN, WHAT HAPPENED?
The following excerpt from A Farmer's Guide to Biology: Making the Best of Your Nigger has been included below for your interest.
The observable differences within a nigger are called variation. Think of your and your friends' niggers and all of their different sizes, shapes and features. These are variations. Animals and plants also show variation; usually more than a nigger is capable of showing. For example, dogs are all one species and can interbreed together but have many different colors, shapes or sizes. The same can be said about niggers -- but note that they always remain the same color.
Some variation is inherited and some variation is determined by the environment. A characteristic such as height and weight is partly inherited and partly caused by diet. Genes and the environment can influence your nigger.
Farmers often try to improve their niggers by breeding new variations or combinations of characteristics. For example, short and disease resistant niggers crossed with tall and susceptible niggers will give rise to tall, resistant niglets (provided the characteristics tall and resistant are dominant). Cross breeding provides a cheaper and more reliable way of improving a nigger, compared to genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is only used to introduce genes that cannot be introduced by breeding. Seeing as niggers are only able to handle simple tasks, this is usually not necessary.
A characteristic showing continuous variation is controlled by many pairs of genes and is usually influenced by the environment. Continuously variable characteristics show no distinct phenotypes; there is usually a spectrum of varieties. For example, some niggers are tall and some niggers are short, and it is possible that a nigger is any size in between. The same could be said of weight and skin tone. However, intelligence is not a variable factor as the brain of a nigger is severely underdeveloped.
Any adaptation that allows a nigger to live longer is said to have survival value. For example, a nigger with chicken survives longer when his owner decides that it is not necessary to feed him.
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